Whoops. It happened again. Thinking I was going for the splendidly mild cilantro salsa, I absent-mindedly found myself with a solid cup of habanero sauce drenched all over my slow roasted chicken. But of course, my atrociously little impulse control took the driver seat and I tore through that plate like a rancor looking for rebels.
Fast forward 2 hours later (apparently it moves through you quite quickly) I was living on my toilet, and making calls from my bathroom, because that was my home. There were things coming out of me that I ate when I was twelve years old. And it wasn’t just gliding out of me. It was tearing through my lower stomach, intestines, and butt hole with the fury of a misguided, underfunded NASA rocket launcher heading straight for the sun.
Needless to say, when put in a pickle such as this, you’re going to go through a lot of toilet paper. You need something strong, firm, but most importantly soft. Toilet paper is really the only barrier between one inconvenient day or three monstrously painful days in which you will avoid sitting at all costs. So what saved the day for me? Charmin Ultra Soft. Thank Christ. It has all of the qualities you would need for an extra long camp out.
It cleanses you gently, and the ribbing ensures no stray matter is left behind. The price point is slightly higher than normal toilet paper, but it is well worth it. And the pleasant eggshell color blends nicely with any modern color scheme. It is even soft enough to double as Kleenex when flu season rolls around, or your little one gets his toothpaste all over his face and hands again. After just one quick wipe, or three hours of continuous wipes in between Candy Crush games, you will want to give Charmin Ultra Soft a warm, kind, loving hug, just as the bear is on the front.
So what did I really learn from this whole experience?
Like it’s your life savings, always, ALWAYS have a premium, triple ply toilet paper close to your toilet for emergencies. Sometimes you cut corners on toilet paper because you’re saving up for that weekend trip to San Fran. Hard times happen, I know that. And in a normal situation, one or two wipes of a medium quality toilet paper is fine. After 3 hours and an entire role, medium quality toilet paper will feel like a hamster biting at your ass-hole with every wipe. Charmin Ultra Soft on the other hand, will feel like a nice warm bear hug the whole way through.
Also, if any damage is incurred, Neosporin works great for cuts and sores. Just be sure to follow the warning label and keep it outside your body.