Do you ever dream of skipping into a bathroom stall to enjoy a minute or two of relieving yourself after a hearty, protein filled breakfast, and then following that relief with a bathroom tissue that is uniquely designed in such a way that it will cause imminent bleeding from the place that the protein filled breakfast just left? If so, your dream has come true my friends. Allow me to introduce to you Envision toilet paper, possibly the worst toilet paper known to man.
The Great Depression of Toilet Paper
This Envision toilet paper review is almost cheating, as a previous review on it’s jumbo sized counterpart can be found on this site here. However, this version of Envision is masked in normal sized rolls and wrapping, so the uninformed corporate drone is doomed to a defecation session that is bound to end in horror. Yes, Envision is found in offices, and has no place in a home. The only reason you will encounter such a ghastly excuse for a bathroom tissue is that your office manager is trying to cut costs like it’s the great depression. In fact, if Envision were to have a name, that would be just it; The Great Depression. The irony is that while the office manager might be saving a few thousand dollars a year, he or she is likely costing the American health system millions in anal fissure treatments.
I am unfortunately subjected to The Great Depression 5 days a week, and often multiple times a day. My day job has multiple perks, yet those are all erased from my mind the moment Envision rubs against my skin. I’m about three more pairs of ruined underwear away from stashing One Wipe Charlie’s down my pants before I make my commute so my bathroom experience can be a little more tolerable, and a significantly less painful.
Envision Toilet Paper is a Frequent Guest at Hotels
It’s not bad enough that Envision will follow you from job to job; it will also follow you from hotel to hotel. I’ve encountered Envision at a plethora of 4 star hotels (because I’m a very rich boy and I can stay at 4 star hotels), and a glut of 2 star hotels (because I’m sometimes a poor boy and can’t always stay at 4 star hotels). The bottom line is this – no matter what the level of accommodations you book, you might run into Envision toilet paper, which WILL ruin your trip. Before you book that Sandals resort, call the hotel manager and make sure they do not carry Envision.
I could go into more detail about the look, feel, and design of the product, but let me be perfectly blunt here; Envision toilet paper will make you bleed out of your bottom. Do you really need to know more then that?
Let me give you one piece of advice for your next job interview. When it comes time for you to ask the questions, ask your interviewer you what type of toilet paper the office carries. If that answer is Envision? Quickly get up, spit in the interviewers face, and run out the door faster than a midget running from an over-sized house cat, and congratulate yourself for avoiding The Great Depression.