New! Bathroom Tissue toilet paper was purchased during a moment of necessity and haste at the closest provider of goods to my humble apartment. This closest provider of goods also gives you the option to put fuel in your car to make it go vroom vroom, so you can imagine the selection one is presented with when needing to restock your latrine with its most important asset. Toilet paper can generally only be purchased in packs of no more than four in a place such as this, complete with bland packaging and a generic name such as New! Bathroom Tissue. At least some genius did think to put an explanation point in the brand name to give it the illusion that it wasn’t just three very normal words woven together.
New! Bathroom tissue is like a ghost in army camouflage who has just snuck into your home and quietly dusted your mantel several times a week. You continue to walk by in subtle amazement at the lack of residue, but don’t really attribute it to anything special. The blandness of New! Bathroom Tissue happens to works in its favor. You completely forget what you are cleansing yourself with, and you don’t even think to take a second gander at the packaging to learn what is quietly keeping you happy and dry with minimal effort.
Now, this isn’t a tissue you necessarily want to flaunt, nor seek out; it’s the guilty pleasure of toilet paper. Sure, you may really love boxed wine and pounding big macs at 3 am, but that’s not a fact you need to share with your entire social network. Noble gentlemen don’t stock up on toilet paper at an Arco station. However, every once in a while its a course of action that just can’t be averted. When the winds steer your ship in that direction, give New! Bathroom Tissue a try. You’ll be pleasantly surprised, without even knowing why ;).